Testing

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dedication

Sometimes i do not know what i am doing. For things that i want to do, i would go all the way out to do it, no matter what it takes. But, for these things i do, i expect alot out from it. And sometimes, i do not get what i expect.

and it spoils everything.

I am learning i guess. Still learning not to expect or hope. To live life the way it is. To factor in other people feelings, not only my own. But I have been thinking about other people most of the time. I always put others before self. To take into their account what they need or want, at the expense of my own. Is this wrong? Do we actually settle our own needs first before others? I always thought that being kind, considerate or thoughtful is good enough. Is it time for me to learn to be harsh, cruel and self-centered?

These questions have been keeping me awake most of the nights. I mean there are also other stuff that keeps me awake =p , and i do wake up to the thought of other stuff. But is there really a need to think so much? To think about the days ahead? to envision what is to come for the next semester?

Somehow I just want people to accept me for who I am. Is that wrong?

Oh yeah, and one more thing. I would like to say sorry to someone, who I think I had angered and kind of get her into inconvenience. I am sorry babeh. =(

Just 2 more days. I have been imagining about the 7 and a half hour flight back, how suffering, the 3 and a half hour bus ride. Just 2 more days, and I am back HOME again.

Will it be still the same? Have everything changed?

i pray not. but yes, i am learning not to expect.

Why?

Take a knife,

Stab it into me.

Why does it matter,

What ever i have done.

I don't know why,

I am still holding on,

Still not giving up.

numb

I just feel numb..

Its happening again..

Everything that was said, just kicked me back 4 years ago..

i hate this feeling..

i hate it.. i really do..

i shall persevere.. i shall.. i will..

i will be that cloud..

maybe i have always been a cloud..

just being there.. but never real..

Updateee!!

Its been long since I updated, hence, I am going to update where i left off, which is right after exam, till now, which is in Singapore.

The preparation for BUSN1001 was torturous! All the cash flow and cash budget nonsense. Thank God for Jo Ann. Both of us only slept like a few hours. But she is a really good teacher. I understand Cash Flow with her help really quick. KUDOS to OJA! =) And Thank God Catherine IKIN woke up from her slumber. She set quite a easy paper, although i could not balance the cash flow statement, I think I did pretty well!

Thus, EXAMS are OVEERR!!! Celebrations were in order. It was a Tuesday. We all went back to put our stuff, and headed to Happy's Restaurant to have a nice dinner. There were Jo, Lester, Ka Hong, Kuljeet, Pravin and I. Afterwards, we headed back to begin our dota session, Which crazily lasted till around 5 plus. I could not sleep that night. I really couldn't.

The next day, we had a Yum Cha session with Eugene and Amanda. But when we reached there, it moved to somewhere else. Thus we ended up at PJ O`Reily, which sells pretty good western stuff. Enjoyed it. Afterwards, went to Canberra Centre to do some shopping. Was cracking my head on what to get for Alicia and Candice. Shopping and Shopping, soon, it was Dinner time, so Pravin, Jo Ann, Shane, Ka Hong and I went to eat at Sammy's. Well, about that place, its pretty good. The price, as you expect with any other prices in Canberra, "Affordable". Afterwards, Jo and I went to omelette party at Johns. And let me tell you, Jo is really a good egg fryer! Really professional with the pan. =) Ate over at Hez's place, with Johns' peeps.

Thursday was weird I guess. . Woke up pretty late, due to the late night at Johns. Went to the academic centre to enquire about my Double Degree, like what modules/units to fulfill to acquire the requirements for the Double Degree. Finally got a clearer picture of what I am doing, which is ALL BUSINESS MODULES! MOST OF THEM ARE ACCOUNTING. GOD HELP ME. Well, I think God did help me a little, my mum is a Accounts Teacher. =) The saddest part was sending Jo Ann off at the Airport. She's going back to Melbourne. Can't wait to see her again. =p Afterwards, I borrowed Eugene's PS2 and Hez, Pravin and I played Guitar Hero till darn late at night. Damn good game.

Friday. I woke up. Feeling lost.. It was already 2 plus. Canberra Centre was the itinerary for the day. Hence, Hez, Pravin and I made our way to Canberra Centre to settle the stuff for Alicia and Candice. Hez was getting stuff for her family too. Not sure what was Pravin there for. ( Damn it, I miss those two so much) While walking and walking, we went into Dick Smith, AND GUESS WHAT WE SAW. Wii GUITAR HERO WORLD TOUR was selling for just AUD228! Not being hasty, me and Hez checked out at Game, EB Games, JB Hi-Fi. And it was the LOWEST! So we discussed and finally bought it. Haha, come to think of it, it was funny buying the accessories first without the actual console itself. =) Oh well. Went back, ate Steamboat at 403. Enjoyed it, though it takes quite long for a rice cooker to boil. And hence, i started packing. I didn't sleep. When i finished packing. I realised it was already 6! I rushed to clean up the room and finally after many calls from Kuljeet, made my way down to the Lobby. Hez, Pravin, Kul and I was taking the same bus and flight back to KLIA. I was taking a Transit Flight from KLIA to Singapore.

Thus, I am here now, back in Singapore. When i arrived, i could not breathe! it was like breathing in a mouth full of water.. I was sweating like a pig. I went back. Yong Quan was nice enough to get me from the Airport. So I went to the Mamak store behind, and ate whatever I could. I haven slept yet.. eyes are closing.

Going to turn in now. I miss you guys.. Really I do..

WELL DONE ROBIN!

YES! YES! I screwed up my Econs and Finm papers. No one to blame but me. Maybe I can blame the weather, which is FREAKING COLD. Imagine, 8.30 am in the morning, you walk out of your own warm room, you can see your own breath. That is how cold is it. And guess what, great idea to hold exams in a SPORTS HALL! It seems their heater is as old as the university, I was shivering while doing my papers. 

But seriously, I did not prepare enough for Finance. I saw the questions, I could have aced it. 5 questions, I got all of them wrong. 3 I did not read the questions properly, 1 I do not even know how to do at all. Last one i had no time. I totally wasted like 1 hour on the first question, and another trying do solve the one i did not know how to do. That left me with 1 hour to do the rest. 3 FREAKING HOURS!!! and I still F it up. 

Praying for a P, which is a Pass. and a D for my Econs... 

And I want the new iPhone. Its on my wishlist.. Thanks in Advance =p

Anyway. Happy Birthday. =)

Acting my age

Blown away. Seriously, I did not see it coming. Did i deserve it? I spent 20 minutes in the shower thinking about it. I realised I was and still am that kind of person, who thinks mistakes are okay. Who thinks mistakes made by others are okay. Is it time to act my age? To be 21? to be an adult? That got me into serious thinking, the way I am all these years, is it time for me to be mature? I have gone through 2 years of NS, getting so much experience, even staying and surviving on a bunk bed on a battleship. I thought I have obtained or mastered the lesson of maturity from NS. 

I guess not. When i ORD, I felt like a bird, making her maiden voyage, flapping her wings, taking flight. Freedom. 

All good things will end. Freedom is short lived. Time to act my age. Now, priority is studies. Fun comes last. 

Another thing i realised about myself while I was in shower, FUN is the word for me. When I do things, I will always look for ways to make it fun. Or actually Lame, no matter who's looking at me, or bitching about me, I will have fun. 

And as I said, Fun comes last. Personal Image comes first. 

Anyway, I received messages from you. I felt the coldness. I replied the same way I did last time. I still felt the coldness in your replies. Do you hate me now? I guess no matter what i say now, it does not matter. I am the asshole here. I feel like cutting myself up for doing this to you. But I hope you know, that what I did, was for your sake. If that sounded cliche, so be it. I wish that you can find someone like me, but who can better support you than me. 

I felt pain too.

* Note to self : Keeping to my word of typing better English. 

From me to you*

If ever I disappear,

or ice overwhelms me.

I promise,

I will be your cloud,

however bright the sun is,

or dark the night.

I will be around,

sheltering or shielding.

I will be there,

for you.